An Open Letter to Teyana Taylor
As I sit here listening to you spill every emotion I never knew I felt while gazing at the man who has helped unlocked them, I want to thank you. You see, like most women I’ve yearned for such an opportunity, for such an experience. I’ve cried so many nights dealing with unjust men of my shortsighted selection, but I’d journey down that road all over again if it means my destination lies with him and the person I am now as we share this experience.
Is this really worth fighting for, is this really my fight & yours?
Having no idea what to expect when pressing play 30 seconds in and “Intro” suddenly sinks me into my own skin. Being guarded for so long created numbness around my heart, so hearing love frantically pour out of Iman’s tone brought me home as it finally oozed all out.
I don’t want to bore anyone with a recap of all my horrid experiences. I’m in the stages of a better one so I’m thankful, but I couldn’t help but hear myself throughout this entire album. From not being afraid to call something out I don’t like or want (“Wrong Bitch”) while still simultaneously lusting over his touch (“69”, “Morning”) or just simply craving some affection (“Wake Up Love") because sometimes knowing they’re in the room as you doesn’t quite cut it to recognizing and accepting that being in a bond with someone means it’ll need its own space (“Ever Ever”) but not wanting to feel forgotten in that time apart is okay. In fact, “Ever Ever” is what made me write this in the first place. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like that from a song in a minute. And it’s mixed to my favorite Lauryn track. The simplicity of “don’t act like you don’t love me” is so spot on to me, you know (cause we all get a little petty).
When I wasn’t dating it was difficult for me to reconcile certain feelings because I didn’t have any for anyone. That’s when I began to notice a shift in the way I approached my emotions in relation to men. For years they were not doing it for me, so I was on my RABGAFBAN sh*t & they became nonexistent along with the bonds I could potentially build with them. And here this one comes in the midst of my run.
“I’m so indecisive & I know that you don’t like it
and I never let my guard down, but you steady tryna wife it, oh no
don’t you see that I got baggage?
my heart’s way too hard to manage
I can’t give a nigga my trust
said you workin’ to change that, but just
bare with me”
All that pain, the fear, the courage… I cried. Tears of joy run down my cheek every time because I actually have someone close to me who mirrors those emotions.
For the times I knew I wasn’t bugging, I just couldn’t articulate my position in a way where it would be properly digested.
You know they say when you build a friendship with someone before you become intimate it tends to have a stronger foundation and that is not bullsh*t. I was so fearful that he’d want to be with someone more fun, more energetic and more open. Someone who wasn’t like me because I allowed myself to believe I was damaged. I felt like everything was drained out of me and poured into all of those who came before him for so long. I felt empty. Somehow our time together has filled me. From friendship, to lustfulness, to companionship its been one hell of an experience.
“You turned a good girl into a bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bitch.”
“Patience is a virtue” and it wears thin, but in the mist of it, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever come to face with… setting eyes on someone who produces the sweetest tears of pure bliss and redemption.
Your album dropped at such an ideal time for me. I haven’t bumped to a black woman like this since SZA’s “Ctrl” hit. How interesting time is because from then until now I was not having it. And now here I am, in love and shit, so the bonds, hardships and desire I hear throughout this album are more than recognizable. They’re identical.